A young schizophrenic named Bruther,
When told of the death of his mother,
Said, "Yes, it's too bad,
But I can't feel too sad.
After all, I still have each other."
There was a young belle down in Natchez
Whose garments were all shreds and patches;
When comment arose
On the state of her clothes,
She drawled, "When Ah itches, Ah scratches."
A poetess luscious and trim
Indulged in a rather strange whim:
When composing a sonnet
She wore but a bonnet
And stripped herself bare for a hymn.
There once was a hermit named Green
Who grew so abnormally lean
And flat, and compressed,
That his back touched his chest,
And sideways he couldn't be seen.
An epicure dining at Crewe
Found quite a large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting some, too."
A wonderful bird is the pelican;
His bill can hold more than his bellican.
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week,
And I wonder how in the hellican.
I once took the vicar to tea;
It was just as I thought it would be:
His rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me.
There was a young lady of Tottenham
Whose manners – well, she had forgotten 'em.
While at tea at the vicar's
She took off her knickers
Explaining she felt much too hot in 'em.
For beauty I am not a star,
There are others more handsome by far;
But my face – I don't mind it,
For I am behind it;
It's the people in front that I jar.
There was a young lady named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She went out one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.
A glutton who came from the Rhine,
When asked at what hour he'd dine,
Replied, "At eleven,
At three, five, and seven,
And eight and a quarter past nine.
There once was a maiden of Siam
Who said to her lover, young Kiam,
"If you kiss me, of course
You will have to use force,
But God knows you're stronger than I am."
There was a young lady named Smith
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
She said, "Try as I can
I can't find a man
Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
A shiftless young fellow of Kent
Had his wife love the landlord for rent.
But as she grew older
The landlord grew colder,
And now they live out in a tent.
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean –
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
A wonderful family is Stein;
There's Gert and there's Ep, and there's Ein:
Gert's verses are punk,
Ep's statues are junk,
And nobody understands Ein.
There was a young lady named Banker
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor.
She awoke in dismay
When she heard the mate say:
"Now hoist up the top sheet and spanker."
There was a young lady from Glynn
Who thought that to kiss was a sin.
But when she was tight,
It seemed quite all right,
So the gentlemen plied her with gin.
A gentle old lady I knew
Was dozing one day in her pew;
When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
She said,"Count me in!
As soon as the service is through!"
There was a young fellow named Bryce
Who remarked "They say bigamy’s nice;
But just two's a bore,
I prefer three or four,
For the plural of spouse it is spice."
And a bonus for the scientifically minded:
A mosquito was heard to complain
That a chemist had poisoned his brain.
The cause of his sorrow
(That's "DDT" don't you see? Also known by such catchy (official) names as "1,1'-(2,2,2-trichloroethylidene) bis(4-chloro)-benzene", and
"1,1,1-trichloro-2,2-bis(p-chlorophenyl)-ethane", but I suppose these were trickier to fit into the limerick.)